A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated....Please
read the following carefully.......

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no
longer be able to serve the Southern United States on Christmas Eve.

Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was
renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve
only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and
Michigan. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer
breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind.

However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands
with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba
Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal
of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are
a few differences between us. Differences such as:

1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from
Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker
that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children
leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace.
And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so
please have an empty spit can handy.

3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon
dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of
my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's
fireplace.

4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen
..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on
Wallace, on Martin and Labonte On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and
Petty."

5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also
are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does
have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words
"Back off" The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh
back as well. One is Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the
letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee wee
on the Tooth Fairy.

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th
Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your
negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas"
and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus
and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.

8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure
you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over
to put presents under the tree.

9. and finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me
like "Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa
Claus Is Coming to Town." This year songs about Bubba Claus will be
played on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song titles will be
Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox"; Cledus T. Judd's "All I Want
for Christmas Is My Woman and a Six Pack", and Hank Williams Jr.'s "If You
Don't Like Bubba Claus, You Shove It."

Sincerely Yours,
Santa Clause
(member of North American Fairies and Elves Local 209)